once again, i've won my career back. it was a tough fight, perhaps i wont be so lucky next time. so, fight's on. 3 flights before my test, and i dont foresee any problems for it anymore. now, the main issue will be whether i get the summer break in august because it's subjected to many factors at the moment.



it's a little difficult, but is the first answer that comes to mind really what u want most?

i think the most difficult thing to do is to talk to my family. especially during times like this. not many people know of my blog, but every one of u that reads it know what kind of person i'm like. i like to handle problems on my own, i don't like to have people worry for me.

it's my mum's birthday today, and we skyped. it sucks that i have to break news to her that tomorrow is my review board, just to let her be mentally prepared if i get suspended. what a birthday surprise. i feel kinda useless that i had to do this.

after, i chat with my dad, and everything went on fine.

all of a sudden he asked me "how, disappointed or not?"

and i felt tears come to my eyes. "of course" i replied.

and he carried on to say it's not the end of the world, don't think too much. keep him updated about the good news tomorrow because any news to him is also good news.

pictures from the trip to the zoo last week..

asian exhibits

somebody call the zookeeper?

seriously, wad's that animal?

weird looking animal..

so, i was driving back to my room to change for sports, and i suddenly had this thought: "do u remember how it felt like without the car?" cycling for 10km to and fro, just to watch tv and slack on the weekends. and now with the car, we've all been taking things a little for granted.

u must be thinking that i'm talking just about the car, but in fact, this little thought started a chain of little things. e.g. when i was a kid, i wanted to fly the f-16. and now, i've got almost 80 flying hours, seen the mirage2000s, alphajets, rafale, and yesterday, the f-16s up close. sat through the ops brief, man, i so wanna work there.

just a little bit more!

well well, based on my own calculations, if i pass my review board, i'll probably be able to go back to singapore at the start of august, will cost maybe 3k though.. i think i'm a little homesick and i need to go back to that little island. imagine eating baguette and croissant for 8 months without change. i need some porridge, fried bee hoon, prata, wantan mee, nasi lemak. yum yum. that's for breakfast. haha.

i skyped with the my sister's kids on saturday and both of them were so excited to talk to me. i kinda miss them especially the naughty boy. he came to my mind all of a sudden during morning brief today. haha. brings a smile to my face.

well, to be frank, i like kids, but i dont like the responsibilities that come along with them. and i only like them at times. times when they're obedient and nice. haha!

there were a lot of thoughts that came through my head, but i can't seem to remember now, so i'll just share a joke.. today, an instructor told me "hey yapy, u know we call the french football team "les bleus" meaning "the blue" cuz of the jersey. do u know when u can see the blue win? only when u watch "avatar" and not during the soccer matches"

lol i thought it was kinda funny.

a tout a l'heure!

i had a "TOP- techniques to optimize performance" session with colonel choisay, and my only homework for it is to think of my past successes so the next session i can do mental projection of myself. god dammit it's really difficult to think of past successes. is it that i'm not successful, or is it that i need to lower the standard to find a successful moment i've had in life?

my review board is on next monday. i hope it'll be good.

where's the conviction?

coach called me almost 5 times today. he analysed what he thought about me, and he said he thinks i've given up on myself. all the way, 22 good flights and suddenly the past 7 flights i only had 1 good flight. to him, i had rolled over and stopped fighting.

in fact, i'm a little lost. i especially hate the situation when i'm trying all ways and means but nothing's coming out of it. it seems that i cant get the energy out?

coach asked if i'm feeling homesick. yes i am, but i can't answer that. come on, we all know this career requires me to be away from home for long periods of time. if, as a trainee, being away from my family for 8 months can cause my training to deteriorate, it could possibly be a convenient excuse to sack me just like that.

i'm worried, and i want to continue fighting for survival. i was the best, and now because of this setback, i am probably going to be the slowest in my progression. i don't care, as long as i can graduate at the end of the day.

god, please show me the way, because i believe.

failures are hard to accept. and it's even harder to believe i had a choice and i chose to fail. literally.

it was a flight with really average performance, but no targets found. instructor told me he feels i'll benefit from 2 more revision flights, instead of proceeding. the choice was with me, do i want to pass now and struggle later, or fail now and do it again? i chose to fail today. fantastic.

i just phoned to glamis back in singapore, 2 days before his departure. my god, i really miss him man. worst case scenario is that we won't see each other for 6 years, and only 8 months have passed so far. he's one of those few that i haven't known for a very long time, but we hit it off very well right at the start and all along the way too. i wish we could fly together some day. i bet it would be really awesome.

it seems that god has answered my prayers for guidance, and i did exceptionally well today. feels good to be in this form before the test.

i suddenly had a weird feeling today, that it was going to be my last flight, i'll have to really enjoy it, because perhaps it will be the last time i look at things from that perspective. truly enjoyable.

it's been a tough 1 month for me, suffering a significant dip in my standards, losing a big chunk of self confidence in the process. thanks to help from the instructors, my god father, coach, and the support from my friends. i hope things will go smoothly from now.

there will be a commander visit this coming monday and tuesday, which means i have to re-pack and clean up my room tmr. sucks.

some people are becoming increasingly annoying, and i cant wait to be separated from them.

life is hard. perhaps it'll be over sooner than expected, and dreams will always be dreams. still, i never give up a fight till all is over.